two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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