The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
