I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
