The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
