i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
