We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
