no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
