Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
