Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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