First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
