you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
