Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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