Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
