he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize