Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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