Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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