addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
