The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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