Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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