I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Randomize
