dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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