I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
