I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
