I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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