did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
