I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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