they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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