sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
