Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
