Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
