He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Randomize
