i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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