Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Are we still banned from the library?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
