Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
