Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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