So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
