Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
we're so committed to being not committed
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
