Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize