Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
