imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
