I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
