The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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