It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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