If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just found puke in my bra..
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
