I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
