I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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