My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
