Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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