you lied. pity sex is amazing.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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