I met the friendliest cop last night
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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