i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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