i just google imaged poop.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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