I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
