I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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