I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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