3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
