And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
