I think I am morally bankrupt
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize