By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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