The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
