i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
