thus making me awesome and them whores
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
