whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
