You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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