worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
