My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
