You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
