You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize