Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
