I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
