I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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