omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
